You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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