Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
