I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
