I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
