I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
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