I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
