I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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