I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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