Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
