I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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