My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
