Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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