Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
PANTIES FOUND
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