...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
