he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
