My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
