ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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