Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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