I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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