There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
