Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
