he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
