Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
