She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
