it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
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She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
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I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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