I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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