I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
