We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
