thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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