Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
