.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
