I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
