Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
