I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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