He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
