I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
