my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
