That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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