his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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