My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'm gonna fight the coyote
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
