I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
