I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
