Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
