i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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