Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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