My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
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