I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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