my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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