There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
