wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Hello my rib-scented angel!
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
