K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
