i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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