Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
