Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
