last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
