i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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