Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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