that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
