I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
