It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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