Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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